The last few days...

Have been interesting. I've done a bunch of "self-improvement" type things.

*I cut my hair and cut a lot off. It was way too long, with lots of split ends and really needed a cut. It's a lot shorter than it was before. I'm still not 100% in love with it yet, but I think it was a good decision! (There's a sort of picture of it below)

*I got a mole and cyst on my chest removed. It was very prominent and showed whenever I wore anything low cut. I've been meaning to do it for a while, but just haven't had the time etc to do it. Anyway, it's obviously still healing, but hopefully I'll get a good result.

* I got the mole and cyst removed at the same time as I went to go see the dermatologist for my skin (on my face). I'm still having issues with it, but I do think it's getting better. I'm going back to my regime that I was using before I got worried and stopped using. I'm washing it twice a day with a very gentle face wash. In the morning I'm using a benzoyl peroxide type of thing plus a moisturizer and in the evening I'm using a retin-A plus moisturizer. (Retin-A's help the skin to regenerate faster, and it will apparently help to bring things up from under the skin). I have a new brush kind of thing that's meant to help with absorbing all the creams and treatments, so that's useful. I also need to make a huge effort not to poke and prod it, because I know that really doesn't help. I'll keep you all updated with how things go!

I know this is a pretty awful picture, but this is my "start". This is the worst part of my face (my chin on my right), but I would like it to get better (I'm also paranoid about it scaring, which I think it's starting to do).

* In my psych class we talked about the way the norms of what people at my college have worm over time. It really made me think about the way I dress, and I want to start making more of an effort with my clothing choices - when I look okay I feel much better!

* I bought a couple new things that I've been planning to get for a while. For example, my backpack has been completely falling apart, so I really needed to get a new one which I've finally done! I also ordered a humidifier, which will be super helpful for the winter. (They turn the heat on so high here, and I can't control the heat in my room individually, so it gets incredibly dry here).

My old backpack (including the awful straps that I thought were going to break at any moment) and my new backpack!

* I've almost got my room fully assembled! I've been meaning to put up all my posters etc for a while, but I've had so much other stuff that I've had to do. Anyway, I've spent time over the last few days putting up posters and pictures!

My "zen wall" that's right above my mini fountain! (You can also see my short hair here!)

Some of my favourite decorations in my room - art work from when I was little! (Also the pinnacle of my artistic ability!)

I'm back...

[This is a looooong post! Feel free to skip bits]

So, as I said in my last post I've been really busy recently. I got back to the US on Monday evening and started lab work on Tuesday. My (super awesome!) best friend, who is also my roommate this summer, moved all my things into my room, but I still had to arrange/unpack everything when I got back.

The plane flight back to the US was kinda stressful - it was delayed by over an hour because of technical difficulty (not exactly a relaxing thing to hear if you already hate flying!) and pretty much every seat on it was taken, which also ups the stress of flying!

Lab
I started lab work on Tuesday, so didn't have a huge amount of time to relax. It was all going fine until my parents decided they didn't like me working on the project I was working on (and I agreed with them). I know that sounds totally ridiculous and like my parents are being way too interfering with my life, but the reason they stepped in is that my project had me working with lead oxide, which is pretty nasty stuff. Lead is a heavy metal which means that once it gets into your body it stays there and you can't (really) get it out. Excess heavy metals in the body have been linked to things like cancer and dementia, so it's sort of serious. Lead oxide is also worse for you than plain old lead, because lead oxide is a fine powder which "poofs" whenever you touch it or move it. [I was wearing a mask whenever I was using it, but of course none of that stuff is 100% effective]. I'm also especially worried because I like in an old English house, which means that the water in my house probably goes through lead pipes. As lead doesn't leave the body, it's entirely possible that I already have a higher lead concentration in my body than someone my age should have.
I talked to my supervisor about it and to say the least he wasn't overly pleased. To be honest I don't really blame him: he thinks its safe and the rest of the people in my lab all handle the stuff occasionally. I'm also the only undergraduate who has changed projects at all, and now I'm going to be changing my project twice. (He's also grading my thesis and is meant to be writing me a letter of recommendation for law school, so I don't really want to make him dislike me...).
Anyway, that whole thing was a bit tough to deal with - I felt caught between him and my parents. I am probably more health conscious than most people in my lab as well, so a lot of other people in my lab thought I was being ridiculous and paranoid. Regardless, the situation is hopefully somewhat resolved now. I'm going to be getting a new project on Monday and I'm just going to have to try really hard to impress my supervisor!

Roomates
My living arrangement for this summer is a three bedroom triple, which means that each of us has our own bedroom. I'm living with my best friend (fingers crossed that that doesn't mess up our friendship, I'm sure it won't) and another girl (Diza), who we're sort of friends with (we needed a third person to fill the triple). Anyway, this other girl is driving me nuts, and I've only lived with her for three days. She's incredibly needy and is an over protected only child. She will literally stand outside my locked bedroom door and talk at me. She insists on doing things like coming into my room and turning on my laptop so that I can hear a song she wants me to hear. She followed me into the bathroom yesterday so she could finish telling me about some inane thing. I don't want to be mean, and I do feel a little sympathetic (I think she's pretty lonely), but seriously! I need some personal space.
The other issue is that she doesn't get me. She's fairly different to me and has no sense of independence. She insists on coming to the gym with me (the gym is kinda my alone space) and she will talk and talk at me when I'm lifting proper weights (so I need to focus). She also refuses to push herself at all - she was lifting 5 lb weights, complaining that they were too light, but refusing to lift more in case she hurts herself. She also complains and complains and complains about how much she's hurting from the gym, which drives me nuts!
She's also working in a lab (not my lab, thank god! Lab is the only time she's not there chattering at me.) and everyone in her lab was sent an online quiz that was meant to determine how empathetic you are and how good you are with other people, reading other people's emotions even when they're hidden etc. She scored 16 or so, if you score below 20 that's a possible sign of autism (because you're that unaware about what other people are thinking/feeling). I scored 72ish (I'm a fairly empathetic person, even if it doesn't seem if from this rant), so clearly it's possible to do "well" on this thing.
Anyway, sorry for the rant, she's just driving me absolutely insane. I know it's not her fault, but she has zilch conception of public space and alone time.

The Boy
I miss him. A lot. It probably doesn't help my mood!

Food/Gym
My food has been okay, but not great. I need to go back to recording my food more. I have been doing okay at the whole high fiber options thing, but I still think I could push it further. Basically, my meals are good and generally very healthy but I eat too much crap and sugar between meals (marshmallows and chocolate), which is really bad (and I just measured my blood sugar - 144 - also really bad).
Tomorrow I am not going to eat chocolate, marshmallows or other candy.
In other food news its really tough to go shopping at school. There are no supermarkets near by. I'm going to try a grocery delivery service, and I've scheduled the delivery for Sunday, so fingers crossed for that!
With regards to exercise, I've been doing okay, but it's a real pain to have to go with this other girl all the time. I find it harder to exercise with her yapping in my ear. I did go swimming (alone) yesterday though, which felt fantastic. I haven't been swimming in ages (despite the fact that I'm meant to go to increase my oxygen transport ability - more on that at some other time).
My heart rate monitor also arrived! I've only used it once so far, but I got a really good workout with it. A few months ago I went to an exercise physiologist who did various tests on me and was able to determine my own max heart rate etc (and that my limitation is the rate at which I can transport oxygen/carbon dioxide from my lungs to my blood). Anyway, what he suggested (for me, this isn't universal) is to get my heart rate to 190+ for two minutes and then come down to 160ish for 2-3 minutes. I tried it on the rotex on Wednesday and it was really good!
I've also decided that I'm going to try to...swim twice a week, do gym-based cardio two or three times a week and lift weights twice a week (and have one rest day!).

Mental Health/Personal Development
I've gotten bad about doing my breathing every night, so I need to get back to doing that. HeartMath, the company I purchased it from, runs various webinars, so I've signed up for one of those on "Better Communication". I'm hoping it'll be interesting.

Resolutions
I'm doing okay with the resolutions. I've been fairly good at wearing sunscreen which is of course a good thing. I've gotten worse about doing my "old" things like taking vitamins and psyllium, so I need to get back to doing those kinds of things.

Tour Guiding
I have my first tour tomorrow! I'm not an official tour guide yet (the tour tomorrow is a practice tour to see if I'm up to scratch!). I'm a bit nervous about it, but fingers crossed! I'm going to spend part of tonight thinking about what I need/want to say! 

Ahh! This was a realllly long post! Sorry about that. Just had a lot I needed to write about!

Journey Home

I actually flew home on Sunday night, but haven't had a chance to write about it yet.

I have a strong dislike of flying, that I've pretty much had forever. I tend to be slightly better when I fly with my boyfriend, so I arranged this flight so I could fly with him, despite the facts that it was on a more expensive airline that I don't really like and that it was a night flight (which I also don't like). Being the anxious person I am I checked with him a gazillion times that this was the right flight, that we could sit next to each other, that we were going to be in the same class etc.

Anyway, come check-in time we realised that he was in business class, and I was in economy (I always travel economy, I don't see the point in wasting money. He pretty much always travels economy too, but sometimes his mum does something weird like this and puts him in business. He has a tonne of air miles so often he can get upgraded for next to nothing). I was not at all pleased about this and got really angry at him. I was also upset that there'd been a last minute change to plans (and I don't like change). I know this is just me being silly, but I did also feel like his mother was playing a "I'm better than you because my family flies business" game with me (she does do that kind of thing).

I was really upset about it, and he was also pretty upset and offered me the business seat a few times. (But, as I pointed out, he would have chosen this plane etc anyway, so it wasn't like he was making a huge sacrifice. I was making a big sacrifice to get to a goal (sitting next to him) which didn't end up happening. He also didn't really think it was his fault because his mum had booked the flight). I talked to my mum about the whole thing on the way to the airport, and she talked some sense into me. I did feel a bit better about it after that, and the plane was also relatively empty (and I had an extra seat next to me), which meant that he was able to come back and sit with me for parts of the flight, which was nice. In some ways, it was almost nicer to have a free seat next to me than to have him there for the whole flight, just because I was asleep for a lot of it, so the extra space was nice. (Still would have preferred him there, but I guess that was a silver lining!)

More importantly, I also realised that I'm relatively calm (or that I can be relatively calm) when I'm on the plane. I think that my biggest issue with planes is psyching myself out before I get on them, and worrying before I get on them. I'm flying back to the US in a week and a half, so I'm going to see if I can use this new knowledge to make the flight a little more pleasant for myself!

How would other people handle the economy/business class situation?

PS Feel free to leave a comment just to say hi!

Summer Schedule and Update!

I'm spending my summer working in my lab at college :S. I told them I couldn't work this week and I'm going home for the next two weeks, which I'm looking forward to. The boyfriend and I are staying on campus this week, as all our graduation ceremonies/reunions are happening next week and we wanted to go to some of those things.

We had to move rooms for that (and he doesn't even technically have a room, so he's living in my room. I'm in a three room quad, meaning that there are two bedrooms, each with two beds in them. Luckily, my roommate (who I've never met) won't be here till Friday, so he's able to stay with me till then). Moving was incredibly stressful. I hate change anyway, it was hot and sweaty out and he was getting mad about having to move everything. Anyway, that's done now (but we have to move again at the end of this week, because I'm in a different room again for the summer), but it was really stressful at the time.

Since then we've just been trying to chill and de-stress, but there's still a lot that we need to do. I went to the doctor today and got my nuvaring prescription refilled - apparently it costs $20/month (with insurance), which is a bit ridiculous. I also got a new pair of shorts for the gym which I'm excited about! Talking about the gym I haven't been in the longest time. I'm planning to go today though for a bit. My diet has been so poor recently that I'm never going to hit my 5lb goal for this month, but a bit of toning never hurt and I need to start going to the gym again for my own sanity. I've also fallen off the wagon a bit with my resolutions. Now that we're settled into the new room though I'm going to try to start working on them again!

Regarding grades...I'm still waiting on one in particular that I'm worried about (I'm meant to be getting it today), so as soon as I get that one I'll let you all know about the ones I have (temper the bad news of that grade with the good news of the others). The main issue with grades is the boyfriends grades though. Every semester he's always disappointed with his grades (mostly B-, B, B+) and thinks they don't adequately reflect his work input. To be honest, I kind of agree with him. He always gets a bit depressed about it, feels useless, compares himself to his genius sister and me (I do slightly better than him) etc. I never know how best to help him, as I don't want to make it seem like his problems don't matter, on the other hand I don't think his grades are that inherently bad. It's really getting to be a bit of a problem though, as I don't tell him my grades now because I don't want to upset him, and the whole not telling each other thing isn't really how our relationship operates. (NB He had a tough freshman year, got an F, through no fault of his own, and a C or two, so his GPA is really not good. Part of the reason he's so tough on himself now is that he really needs A and A-'s to pull up the GPA). I've finally got him to agree to go see the academic counseling people here. I've been to see them before and they really helped me to turn my grades around. He's been to see them before and doesn't like them at all. I think part of that though is his reluctance to put what they tell him into practice... . Anyway, I'm probably going to go to this meeting with him, which I'm hoping will help because at least I'll be able to remember/write down their advice! (Sorry about that rant!)

Does anyone else have suggestions for dealing with these kind of (boy)friend grade issues?

So, guess whose been terrible at updating the blog?

I promise a proper update soon, but I'm done!! So pleased about that, just a little worried about the grades...(there is good news on some fronts there though, which I'll share properly when I get a chance for a proper update).
I had to move out of my room which was incredibly stressful, but luckily my wonderful, incredible boyfriend helped me move everything!
The rest of this week is going to be some time off, followed by two weeks at home :).
I promise a proper update soon, and absolutely definitely before next Monday!

Hmmm...

I'm still not feeling great, but...the good thing is that I know what's causing it. Before the beginning of this year (when I had my little epiphany about being able to change my life if I want to) I don't think I would have known the cause. Or at least I would have found it harder to accept the cause and the fact that this is just a temporary state of mind that will fade over the next month. When you know what's causing something (housing issues, exam stress, upset about the end of the school year), and you know that those things are going to pass it makes it a lot easier to deal with what's going on. (This is also partly something that ACT has taught me, thoughts are just thoughts, they don't (necessarily) mean anything and they will pass).

I've had an interesting few days with the whole food/losing 5 lbs thing. I've realised that I do actually have a lot more willpower than I thought I did and that I can say no to food. Whenever I wanted to eat something that's not good for me I ask myself how I'll feel about having eaten it in half an hour. Sometimes (a small piece of cake at dinner) I decide it's worth it it, other times (snacking on crisps) I decide it's not. Fingers crossed that this mindset will continue and that the weight will start coming off!

Exam studying is going okay, not great. I've had a lethargic type of day today (I didn't sleep enough last night, and I'm in this dark mood), but I have gone through all my lecture notes for my Tuesday exam and I also finished the reading (that I was meant to do months ago and didn't) for it. Just need to go over my notes on the other readings and think about possible questions that might come up and then I'm good to go!

Urgh

Today was...not a good day. Nothing super terrible happened, but a combination of exam stress, housing stress and being sad that the school year is almost over doesn't make for a great day.

Exam stress is pretty self-explanatory. I probably should've started studying earlier, but like usual, I didn't. I do have a good study plan worked out, and should be able to get everything done, but everything's just taking a lot longer than I'd like. I also have the last exam (Friday) out of everyone in my friendship group. It's not the end of the world, but they're all planning end of exams celebrations which I can't go to :(.

Housing stress.... I'm staying at college over the summer and I get a room through the University. I have a really nice room (with my best friend and another girl who I know will drive me crazy :S. We have three connected singles though, so it shouldn't be too bad). Anyway, between the time I leave my current room and move into my new room is the problem (it's about a week, during Reunions). I also have University housing for those 7 days, but...the University tries to keep you either in your school-year room or your summer room, but I'm going to be moved to another random room (not my school year room and not my summer room). This is super annoying for a few reasons - more moving of all my stuff and the fact that the boyfriend (who is going to be staying with me, even though he's technically not meant to be here) is going to cause problems, because I've been put in a double room with another girl, who most likely won't want him also sleeping in there. He probably can stay with some of our other (guy) friends (including the "other guy"), but we were really hoping for some time together, which we're not really going to get so much now. Plus, I now have to move my stuff from my "interim" room to my summer room...when I'm at home. In the UK. For various complicated reasons, the housing office thinks I'm here then (you can't take time off in the middle of your summer contract), so I doubt they're going to be very helpful. At the moment, I think I'm going to have to ask my summer roommates to move my stuff, but I feel really bad about doing that (I have a lot of stuff!).

And about the school year being nearly over - I'm adverse to change. I pretty much don't ever like anything ending. I used to cry every birthday and New Years Eve, because I didn't want that year of my life to end...

Anyway, I'm trying to be positive. I know everything will work out okay, it's just a little bit stressful at the moment! (And I hope that was coherent. I just had to get it out!)

Change

So, as we all know, I really don't like change and never have (I used to cry on my birthday every year, because I didn't want to get older).

Anyway, I came across the post "Why Change is Hard", by Hanlie (http://www.hblewett.com/blog/2011/05/03/why-change-is-hard/) and it's awesome! It's a really cool way of looking at the whole issue of change and made me think about how I need to change my attitude towards change.

Go read it!